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When The Power Dynamics On The Family Dining Table Changes

Power dynamics in a family change after one’s retirement. While retirement brings freedom, the accompanying challenges need to be understood and accepted to maintain harmony and cordial relations.

December 14, 2024

By Bhuvanaa Shreeram

“We were sitting for breakfast this morning. I came first and my son joined me at the table. My wife made dosas and brought them. As dosas are always to be had straight from the tawa and never from the hot pack, she served my son first. I waited for my turn and the second dosa too went to my son. I said, “I’ve been sitting here for long, why aren’t you serving me?” You know what she said? She said, “What is the hurry for you. You are at home with nothing much to do. He has to go to work. Let him eat first!”

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This was a conversation with Mr. Nair (name changed) last evening over a call. Mr. Nair recently retired as the General Manager from a large PSU company. And he mentioned this incident 4 times during our 45 minute conversation. With a hint of disappointment and borderline hurt. This seemingly small incident deeply affected him.

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The Power Shift

For many retirees, the transition from a structured work life to being at home can be jarring. The roles within the family often shift. Mr. Nair suddenly felt sidelined in his own home. His wife’s comments reflected a change in their relationship. He has been the head of the family, the giver for so long. Their son has now taken on the role of the primary earner and Mr. Nair felt diminished.

This shift is not unique to this family. In many families, the traditional roles of provider and caretaker can become blurred after retirement. Men who once held the role of primary earners find themselves struggling with new treatment and changed expectations.

Lessons from The Mahabharata

To understand these dynamics better, let’s look to the Mahabharata, one of India's greatest epics. The characters in this story exemplify different roles within micro set ups like families and macro setups like countries.

The Four Quadrants Of Power Dynamics

There are people in every social system, who are well endowed and less endowed. Then there are givers and takers. Less endowed takers (Aam junta, common citizens) are always asking for more and more and can seldom be satisfied. Well endowed takers (Duryodhan) are greedy and despite their wealth want more. Less endowed givers like Karna have the heart but are constrained by lack of resources. Well endowed givers like Krishna are considered God like. Story Image

In every society and family, individuals fit into these roles.

Retirement causes these power dynamics to shift—such as when takers become givers or givers become less endowed—conflict often arises. Mr. Nair felt this changed dynamics at the breakfast table.

Navigating Change: Embracing New Roles

As families navigate these changing dynamics - understanding, acceptance and empathy becomes essential. It’s important for retirees to understand these changes and accept them as inevitable. However, rather than brooding over feelings of inadequacy or loss of status, they can embrace their new circumstances in many positive ways. Once A Giver, Always A Giver Mr. Nair once an endowed giver, may now feel un-endowed as his incomes have stopped. But that doesn’t mean he cannot be the giver. He can continue to give in meaningful ways. Instead of feeling sidelined, he could take the initiative of making the dosa for both his wife and son!! This act not only allows him to reclaim a sense of purpose but also fosters connection within the family. By stepping into a role that emphasises giving—whether through cooking meals or engaging in family activities—this situation presented an opportunity for him to reshape his identity post-retirement. This shift from feeling like a passive recipient to an active contributor can help restore balance at home. Finding Meaningful Activities In Retirement The sense of purpose or the shift of power is inevitable. But the choice to not do anything else is a choice. Retirement is not just a financial transition. It is a whole life transition. With it many individuals are forced to change their self identity and redefine their roles. Finding meaningful activities in the family or outside in the society helps reclaim the lost sense of identity. And if a Giver, Always sought after and respected! Conclusion Retirement brings not only freedom but also challenges that can reshape family dynamics at the dinner table and beyond. As we gather around our tables, let’s remember that each person plays a unique role in our lives—whether as a giver or a taker—and that understanding, acceptance and empathetic communication helps to maintain harmony in our homes.

(The author is a certified financial planner, co-founder and head of financial planning at House of Alpha Investment Advisers Pvt. Ltd. Views expressed are personal and do not reflect the official position or policy of Outlook Media Group and/or its employees. The article is for information purpose only; please consult your financial planner/s before investing.)

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